


My Immortal Part 2 Commentary

by demonbarber14



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Commentary, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-02-16 10:24:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2266206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonbarber14/pseuds/demonbarber14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yes, this is another My Immortal commentary. This one, however, is a little different from the others, because I only comment on the second half of the epic saga (chapters 23-44). Most commentaries don’t go past the first part, so I’m analyzing the elements of this wondrous tale that don’t get as much attention. We’ve all laughed at Hilary Duff’s facial hair and Willow’s not opening her eyes until she’s been awake for five minutes, but there are even more gloriously stupid moments in the latter part of Ms. Gilespie’s magnum opus. I don’t own Harry Potter and I don’t own My Immortal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Immortal Part 2 Commentary

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox **(What “boox” were Raven telling you about? They were certainly not Harry Potter, nor were they dictionaries.)** gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha! **(That’s the most gothic, depressed thing I’ve ever heard. Clearly Tara is the true anti-prep she claims to be)**  
  
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Chapter 23

The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia ( **Fudge, is there something you need to tell us?)** Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us ( **in half, I hope)**.  
  
“MR. **(Ebony, is there something you need to tell us?)** WAYWHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” **(I’ll assume she actually said “beep”, in the Roadrunner voice, of course, since the f-bomb has been dropped innumerable times already. Why so coy all of a sudden?)** Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.  
  
“Oops she made a mistake!” he corrupted her **(Did he give her a copy of _Lady Chatterley’s Lover_ )**. “She means hi everybody cum in **(cum in where/who?)**!”  
  
Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B’loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes **(Unless you plan on telling us one of these jokes, that was a really pointless detail)**. They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo. I eight **(Q: Why was six afraid of seven? A: Because seven eight nine. Oh, come on, it’s better than this abomination against the English language)** some Count Chocula **(Clearly all tough, sadistic, vampire Goths who despise “the mainstream” love eating mass-produced chocolate cereal with a bright, friendly mascot that pokes fun at them and their vampire lifestyle)** and drank som blood from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was………Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother **(you just said Vampire was the only one shooting)**.  
  
“Vampire, Draco WTF?” **(You might know what was going on if you listened to what they were “shooting”)** I asked.  
  
“You fucking bustard!” yelled Draco at Vampire. “I want to shit next to her!1” **(are they in a bathroom all of a sudden?)**  
  
“No I do!” shouted.  
  
“No she doesn’t fucking like u, you son of a bitch!” yelled Draco.  
  
“No fuck you motherfucker she laves me **(kinky)** not you!” shouted Vampire. And then……………… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv) **(I thought bi guys were hot)** They started to fight and beat up each other.  
  
Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn’t stop. All of a sudden…… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose **(you just told us that!)** and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart **(Voldemort flew through a window on a broom? That’s a mental image I will cherish for a long time)**. Britney that fucking prep started to cry. Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating **(I tried that once. I got food all over the merchandise, though)** ….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent………………….Volzemort **(sorry, it was Volzemort who flew through a window. I’ll assume that makes a good mental image too)**!  
  
“Eboby **(To be fair, that’s what it would sound like if he had a cold-I imagine that it would sound the same since he has no nose)** …..Ebony…….” Darth Valer **(She got you too, Darth Vader? Excuse me while I re-enact the “NO!” scene from _Revenge of the Sith_ )** sed evilly in his raspy voice. “Thou havfe failed ur **(You have to love a sentence that includes the words “thou” and “ur”)** mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!” **(Why not just kill them both now, Valer, whoever you are?)**  
  
“Plz don’t make me kill him plz!” I begged.  
  
“No!” he laughed crudely **(a guy who says “thou” in casual conversation can be called many things. Crude really isn’t one of them)**. “Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!” **(I’ve all for delegating, but that’s just silly. Kill him yourself, Volzemort)** Then he flew away cackling.  
  
I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me **(Kinky)**. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way **(Caligula would call it cheating if Draco slit his wrists, but it would save this Voldremot guy a lot of trouble)**.  
  
“No!” I screamed sexily **(This is neither the time nor the place, Ebony)**. Suddenly I locked up **(I don’t think locks will keep Voldemort away, but you can try, I guess)** and stopped having the vision **(not just any old vision, but _the_ vision)**.  
  
“Ebony Ebony aure you alright?” asked Draco in a worried voice.  
  
“Yeah yeah.” I said sadly as I got up.  
  
“Everyfing’s all right Enoby.” said Vampire all sensetive.  
  
“No its not!” I shouted angrily **(But you just said you were all right! I know women sometimes don’t always say what they mean, but that’s just silly!)**. Tearz of blood went down my face **(That came completely out of nowhere)**. “OMFG what if I’m getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!”  
  
“Its ok gurl.” said B’loody Mary. “Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though.”  
  
“Ok bich.” **(If she mistakes “rapper” and “raper”, we’d have a complete episode of “Your Grammar Sucks” on our hands)** I said sadly and den we went.

 

Chapter 24.  
  
AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 raven fagz 4 di help!  
  
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Well we had Deviation **(hopefully from the norms of this story)** next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry **(leave Emma Thompson out of this)** about the visions.  
  
“Konnichiwa everybody come in.” said Proffesor Sinister **(Wait-are Sinister and this Trevolry person one in the same? It would be nice if Tara cleared that up for us)** in Japanese. She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick **(I hear that cats smell better with their mouths open, so maybe it’s a similar deal with vampires. Stranger things on Heaven and Earth, Horatio)**. She’s da coolest fucking teacher ever **(If she is talking about Trelawney, I can’t argue with that)**. She had long dead black hair with blood red tips and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire. **(Vampires have red eyes now? Then why does Ebony have blue eyes?)** She’s also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. she n b’loody mry get along grate) She’s really young for a teacher. 2day she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress **(how original of her)**. We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong **(Who is this Emily the Strong, and why is her church leader in a divination classroom?)**. I raced my hand **(who won?)**. I was wearing some black naie Polish **(Remember ladies, always keep your naies clean and polished).** with red pentagrams on it.  
  
“What is it Ebony?” she asked. “Hey I love ur nail polish where’d u get it, Hot Topik?”  
  
“Yeah.” I answered. All the preps who didn’t know what HT was gave me weird looks **(Or they could have been reacting to the fact that your teacher randomly commented on your naie polish instead of actually, I don’t know, teaching)**. I gave them the middle finger **(Classy, Ebony)**. “Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?”  
  
“Ho about now **(Sinister, this isn’t time to pimp some girl out to Ebony)**?” she asked.  
  
“OK.” I said.  
  
“OK class fucking dismissed every1.” Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go **(What a great teacher)**. “Except for you Britney.” she pointed at Britney and sum other preps **(why did she call them all Britney? Are they all named Britney? Are all of them Britney’s horcruxes?)**. “Please do exorcize (geddit) **(Thank you, Tara, I never would have gotten that)** 1 on page 3 **(They’re only on page three? Then again, I shouldn’t be too surprised, since Sinister/ Trevolry dismisses them at the drop of a hat)**.”  
  
“OK I’m having lotz of visions.” I said in a worried voice. I’m so worried is Draco gong 2 die. **(Did we really just switch to present tense? Really?)**  
  
Well she gave me a black cryptal ball **(a ball stolen from a crypt? I’ll go with it)** to lock in. I looked at it **(no, Ebony, you’re supposed to lock it)**.  
  
“What do you c?” she asked. ( **David Bowie?!)**  
  
“I said I see a black gothic skull **(At least it wasn’t a preppy skull)** and a pentagram.”  
  
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco **(She must have X-Ray vision. Why does that not shock me?)**. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes.  
  
“Okay you can go now, see ya cunt **(Trying to imagine Emma Thompson saying that is giving me far too much joy)**.” said Proffesor Sinister.  
  
“Bye bitch.” I said waving.  
  
I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited **(I’m sure she was, judging by the clothes she usually wears)**.  


Chapter 25.  
  
AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 n il tel al da nredz **(I bet Tara has plenty of nerdy, intelligent friends)** 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1  
  
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I was so excited. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again **(Ebony, control your libido!)**. We went outside and then we went into Draco’s black car.  
  
“Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say.” whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine.  
  
“She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow **(no, no she didn’t)**.” I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret **(am I supposed to be impressed or think you’re a badass? I’m not and I don’t)** and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork **(I’d make fun of that, but I know nothing about heroin, so sporking could be a legitimate activity involving the stuff)**. He started to fly the car into a tree **(take one for the team, Draco!)**. We went to the top of it **(Boo!)**. Draco put on some MCR.  
  
“And all the things that you never ever told me  
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me.” sang Gerard’s sexy voice. We started tiling of each other’s cloves **(Ah, yes, the tilling of the cloves. A fantastic harvest tradition)** fevently. He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar **(Two dyslexic men walk into a bra…)**. I took of his black boxers. Then……………………… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool **(Ebony! There is something you need to tell us after all!) **sexily.  
  
“OMFG Draco Draco!” I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively **(that doesn’t sound like fun)**. Suddenly………… I fell asleep **(no wonder, if the whole thing was passive)**. I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair.  
  
“No! Please don’t fucking kill us!1” they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car **(was it one of those Fisher Price cars that you have to walk around in to get it to move? I had one of those and it was friggin’ awesome!)**.  
  
“No! Oh my fucking god!11” I shouted in a scared voice.  
  
“Ebony what’s wrong?” Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.  
  
I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. I told Draco to call Vampire. He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. Butt **(tee-hee)** the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where……………………… Lucian and Serious **(No! They were my favorite characters! Primarily because they haven’t actually appeared in the story yet. Tara really knows how to tug the heartstrings, doesn’t she?)**!111  


Chapter 26.  
  
AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep **(Good suggestion; I’d rather fok myself than read any more of this garbage)**! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok **(Sure you weren’t, Tara)**!11  
  
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A few mutates later Vampire came 2 **(Was “to” really too hard to write out? Really?)** da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson **(He’s wearing the skin of a black guy called Jackson? An Ed Gein joke would be too easy to make, wouldn’t it?)** , black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt.  
  
“Hi Vampire.” I said flirtily as I started to sob **(Yet another reason to hate Ebony; she’s one of those girls who looks good while crying. Damn those girls and their sexy cries)**. Draco hugged me sexily tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened.  
  
“Oh fuck it!” **(That’s my reaction to this story too, Vampire)** Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly **(Bi-polar, much)**. “What fucking dick did that!”  
  
“I don’t know.” I said. “Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor.”  
  
We ran out of the tree and **(fell to the ground, our limbs crushed horribly, our spines flattened like accordions)** in2 da castle **(wait, what? This only makes sense if there is a branch that leads into a castle window, and I’m damn sure that’s not the case.)**. Dumblydor **(who?)** was sitting in his office.  
  
“Sire **(Is Dumblydor a king?)** are dads have been shot!” Draco said while we wipped sum tears **(Ouch! I hope you have good aim!)** from his white face. “Enoby had a vision in a dreem.”  
  
Dubleodre started to cockle **(and mussel, alive, alive, oh!)**. “Hahahaha! And How due u aspect **(what?)** me to know Ebony’s not divisional **(can we divide her by zero just to see what happens?)**?”  
  
I glared at Dumbledore **(thrilling)**.  
  
“Look motherfucker.” he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter) **(Really? Now you ask if something is toot of crakter? I mean, it is, but so is everything else)**. “U know very well that I’m not decisional **(but is she divisional? Also, why don’t you tell us when we’ve changed speakers?)**. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto **(so that’s what it’s called when one just has five minutes of “alone time” on the computer)**!”  
  
“Okay.” he said in a intimated voice. “Were are they?”  
  
I fought about it **(I guess this what Tara considers an internal struggle for her main character)**. Then all of a sudden….. “Longdon.” **(If I ever make a porno, I will call it _Suddenly…Longdon_!) ** I said. I told him which street **(But you won’t tell us? How rude, Ebony. I hate being left out of the loop.)**. He went and called some people and did some stuff **(Hey, according to my parents, that’s exactly what I do too. What a coincidence)**. After a few mistunes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found **(Thank god! The buildup was so suspenseful, I’m glad it’s over. I was on the edge of my seat.)**. Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room **(You really let your best friend slit his wrists? Ebony and Draco should be ashamed)**. We looked at each other’s gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers……………………….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them **(OK. Why is that in any way alarming or even surprising? Sinister is a good guy.)**!1  


Chapter 27. vampirz wil never hurt u  
  
AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 so stup flaming da foking story bichez **(Nice to know how little you care about what we think)**!1111 fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital **(no comment)** rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111  
  
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Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. Drako, Lucian, Serious bond **(Sirius is related to James Bond? Now, that’s a neat twist!)** Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.  
  
“Cum on Enoby.” said Proffesor Sinatra. ( **Nancy Sinatra is your teacher?)** She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it **(wouldn’t that just leave a stain?)** and fuking black platinum boots. **(Of course she does. They’re made for walking; you know** “I have to tell you the fucking perdition.”  
  
I locked at Lucian, Serifs **(I’m a fan of his brother Sans)** , Drake and Vampire. They nodded.  
  
I smelled happily **(is that the new febreze tagline?)** and went into a dark room. I had changed **(into a better writer, I hope)** Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball **(good luck with that)**. She said……………………… “Tara, I see drak times are near **(I wonder if her favorite film is _Donnie Drako_ )**.” She said badly **(try again, Sinatra, but this time, work more on your annunciation and word emphasis)**. She peered into da balls **(tee-hee)**. “You see, you must go back in time.” She took out a Time-Toner **(will it work on my thighs?)** like B’loody Mary had. “When Voldemint **(and I thought Buddha Mints were silly)** was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love **(yes, considering that apparently love made him evil in the first place)**?” I shook my head. “U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him **(I hate to sound harsh, but why not just kill him outright?)**. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it.”  
  
“Okay.” I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin **(I’d make fun of that if I had any idea what it meant)**. I went outside again sadly.  
  
“What fucking happened?” asked Draco and Vampire.  
  
“Yeah what happened?” asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary? **(I guess the question mark makes sense, as Ebony hasn’t met this Boldy Mary before)**  
  
I was about to tell them butt **(tee-hee)** every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond **(I want a celebration every time I develop a liking for something/someone)**. Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. They were cheesing **(kinky?)** my name and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. Even Mr. Noris looked happy **(no wonder-Mrs. Norris is a pretty cute kitty)**. A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley’s Whizard Wises.  
  
I put on my Invisibility coke **(is that like the famous Crystal Pepsi The Cinema Snob always talks about?)** with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether.  


 

Chapter 28.  
  
AN: I sed stop gflmaing **(I’d make fun, but it sounds like a German word. I guess Tara is bi-lingual all of a sudden)** da story it wuz a miskat **(If it was a miskat, delete it. Unless you just want more attention, which I’m sure isn’t the case at all…)** wen profsor relory sed dat ok!11111111 GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi! **(Forget _Suddenly…Longdon_ , my porno will be called _Fun with Kiwi_ )**1111111  
  
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We went in2 a blak room **(surprise, surprise)**. The wallz were blak with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason all over them. A big black coffin was in the middle. Red vevlet lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem **(The bones had skulls in them? That’s strange. And those chairs sound damned uncomfortable to sit on)**. I wuz wearing a blak corset bar wif purple stuff **(there really weren’t any other words you could use than “stuff”? Many complain about how overly detailed the descriptions of the clothes are, but better that than “stuff”)** on it, fishnet suckings **(This story is full of suckings)** and a blak leather thong underneath **(Is that all? You’re not wearing a top or bottoms; just underwear? This should be interesting)**.  
  
I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly **(apparently Ebony can make her body dissolve all of a sudden. You could have told us that a bit earlier)**. So did Drako and Vampire.  
  
“Are you okay?” Vampir asked potting his albastard **(you magnificent albastard, I read your albook!)** hand on mine. He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses ( **I’m sorry, don’t you mean “c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that)”?)** on it.  
  
“Yah I guess.” I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick **(So, your actual lips remained frowning? So, you look like the Joker?)**. “The problem is……………………….I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time”  
  
Draco started to cry sadly. Vampire hugged him. ( **Yes, don’t hug the girl whose life is in danger; hug your ex-boyfriend)**  
  
“Itz okay Eboby.” he said finally. “But what about me? **(Selfish, much?)** Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?”  
  
“Of coarse not!” I gasped.  
  
“Really?” he asked.  
  
“Sure.” I said. **(Truly this is a love story of the ages)**  
  
We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly.  
  
Then………… I took off Draco’s MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone. **(I’m not quite sure how to take that line, as I haven’t seen _Party at_** **_Kitty and Stud’s_ yet.)**He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it **(Damn it, he’s cheating with a girl called Enoby! Also, why did his Vampire tattoo say “Enoby”?)**. Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4).  
  
I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif.  
  
We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock in my you-know-what **(That seems illogical)** and passively **(Did you really use the word “passive” to describe an event that was “the ride of your life”?)** we did it.  
  
“I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u.” **(Hey, that’s my pickup line!)** he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly **(You know you’re having a bad time when the person filming your sex is more interesting than the actual sex)**. Suddenly………………………….  
  
“WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!” **(Whoever said that is my new favorite character)**  
  
It was………………………….Snope and Profesor McGoggle **(I’d be goggling too)**!111  


Chapter 29.  
  
AN: sot das fok up **(I don’t know about my English, but my German is improving by the minute!)**!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111  
  
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“Oh my satan!1” **(That’s the dumbest catchphrase I’ve ever heard)** we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily **(Thank god)**.  
  
“CUM NOW **(Well, they were about to…)**!1!” Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily **(You came in front of your teachers? Kinky)**. We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket **(Bad idea; I once put caramel in my pocket and it rendered my coat unsalvageable)**.  
  
“Hey what the fuck!111” Vampire shooted angrily.  
  
“Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera **(Transformation into James Cageny; 100% complete)**?” Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. “Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango’s **(Patron Saint of “Sweet Jesus that was amazing, but my hands are incredibly sticky now and there isn’t a sink anywhere nearby”. Every damn time)**. So give back da camera!1111”  
  
Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him **(To be fair, I wouldn’t trust a guy called Dumblehor either)**. Snoop **(He has a very strange nose, doesn't he, sir?** **)** laughed meanly.  
  
“Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!” yelled Proffesor McGoggle. She made us cum **(Well, that was nice of her)** into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it **(Tara’s powers of description never cease to astound me)**. Draco started to cry **(why?)** all sexy and sexitive (geddit **(If you have to explain it, it isn’t funny)** koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot **(who?)** rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111) **(I think all books would be improved if authors added in little comments like this. Can you imagine? “In my younger and more vulnerable years (Clara Bow is such a sex bomb, but I still prefer Louise Brooks)”. That would be awesome. Almost as awesome as these double parentheses)**.  
  
I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed **(Raven, I’m starting to think that you need to take a greater deal of responsibility for this travesty)** so ok so fok u!1). Vampire took out a black honkerchief **(I’m surprised she doesn’t add “geddit koz wen u blow ur nose, it makz a honking sond”. Unless she actually meant to spell handkerchief, which is infinitely more likely.)** and started to wipe my red eyes.  
  
And then……………….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic **(So, why not use your wands?)**. They started to shoot each other angrily **(I wonder what a calm shooting looks like?)**. Non of the ballots **(I didn’t know this was going to turn into a political thriller)** gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand.  
  
“Crosio!” I shouted **(I appreciate your love of art history, but I’m not sure the guy who painted _Refuge of Sinners Madonna_ is going to be much help in a gunfight)**. Snap stated 2 scram **(Snap, you coward!)** he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets **(Then it wasn’t too late, because clearly they can’t go on fighting)**. I STOPPED DA CURSE. **(What curse? Their running out of bullets had nothing to do with you)** Profesor McGoogle **(at least she’s not Bing)** did a spell so that we were all chained up. **(Kinky)** She took out a box of tools. **(You spend five sentences on vivid description for every outfit you wear, but can’t get more specific than “tools”?)** Den she said “OK Serverus I’m going 2 go now.” She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry **(He must be sexitive too)**.  
  
“It’s ok Enoby.” said Draco. “Evergreen **(who?)** will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Snake.” **(Add _Cideo of Snake_ to my porno titles list)**  
  
Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111 **(Kin—forget it)**  


Chapter 30.  
  
AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok **(This could end with the missing Shakespeare play and still be crap)**!1111 so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous **(Wait, what?)** but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux **(“sosiety basically sux”. Karl Marx, George Orwell, and Aldous Huxley would be proud)**. fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111  
  
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“No!11” we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafingmeanly **(I do when I’m mad, but too lazy to get off the couch)**. He took out a kamera anvilly **(Better than doing it hammerly, I guess)**. Then…………………… he came tords Darko!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle.  
  
“What the fuck r u doing!” I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut **(Sad day when even your dick thinks you’re a loser)**!11!  
  
He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me.  
  
“U must stab Vrompire.” he said to me. “If u don’t then I’ll rap **(She confused “rap” with “rape”. The horror is now complete)** Draco!1”  
  
“No you fucking bastrad **(You Klingon bastrad, you killed my son!)**!1” I yielded.  
  
But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) **(yes, we get it)** between Kurt Cobain **(you leave Kurt out of this!)** and Gerard. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive **(I hope that when my life flashes before my eyes, it’s a lot better than this garbage)**.  
  
Snipe **(who?)** laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. He started to do an incapacitation dancing **(How can you dance and be incapacitated at the same time?)** around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire. Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage **(Can you say “Deus ex machine”?)** to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape **(Destruction seems a bit harsh, but OK)**.  
  
“Dumbeldork **(I guess he too was a victim of the Dork Mark)** will get u!” Draco shooted.  
  
“Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11” Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand.  
  
“You ridiculus dondderhed!111” Snoop yielded **(Snape yields to no one!)**. He took off all of Drico’s clothes. Just as he was about to rape him…………………….  
  
“Crosio!” I shited **(just like she shited out the rest of this story)** pointing my wound **(gross, no one wants to see that. That’s even worse than leaving your used band-aid on the ground for anyone to step on)**. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming **(spelling something wrong once is acceptable. Spelling it wrong twice in one sentence is not)**. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. I stopped doing crucio.  
  
“You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-” shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came **(Words fail me)**

  
Snake put the whip behind his bak. “Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing.” **(OK, that was funny)** he lied. But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains **(Pretty sure you don’t unlock a chain)** and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said ‘Come on Ebony let’s go.” **(Two different types of quotation marks? Really? That’s just silly}**

  


Chapter 31.  
  
AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs **(I’ve been called many things in my life; quieph is a first)**!111 stop kalin ebony a mary su **(That’s OK, I’ll stick with calling her “Mary Sue”)** ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111  
  
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“I always knew u were on Voldemort’s side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111 **(Way to take us out of the story, Tara)** ).” Serious said 2 Snape.  
  
“No I’m not I was teaching them somefing!1” Snap clamed **(this is no time to search for gastropods, Snap)**.  
  
“Oh fucking yeah?” I took some blak Volremortserum **(That’s a thing now, I guess)** out of my poket and gave it to Serverus. He made Snap dirnk it. He did arngrily. **(These descriptions are such gems of insight into the human psyche)** Then Luscious **(Is that his stripper name?)** took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap. Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes. Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times **(not that she’s a “mary su” or anything…)**. Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. Hermoine, Darkness and Willow came too. B’loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid’s **(So, “Tom Rid” and Voldemort are two different people? Why would Tara dedicate so much time and trouble to write over forty chapters of a fanfiction of a book that she doesn’t know fundamental details about?)** store.  
  
“Whatz in da bag?” I asked Profesor Trevolry **(Don’t ask the people who gave you the bag, that would be far too logical)**.  
  
“U will c.” she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut **(“low-smut”? Is that like soft-core porn?)** black leather gothic dress. It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. **(So, it’s identical to every other outfit this girl owns)** I put it on. **(When Orwell said to always make sentences as short and to the point as possible, I don’t think this is quite what he had in mind)** My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz **(How do you help someone put on fishnets? That’s a little perverted. Even kinky, I dare say)** and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick **(I feel much better knowing that Sean Connery is now the narrator)**.  
  
“You look fucking kawaii, bitch.” B’loody Mary said.  
  
“Fangs.” I said.  
  
“Ok now you’re going to go back in tim.” **(who is Tim and why was she inside him at one point?)** said Proffesor Sinister. “U will have to do it in a few sessionz.” She gave me a blak gun **(Right, because wands are so much heavier and more difficult to use and control.)**. I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill **(There’s a difference between paying homage to something and just referencing it pointlessly)**. Then she gave me a black time-tuner. “After an hour use da time torner to go back here.” **(That’s not how it works. Besides, if it takes three turns to take you back a day, it would take roughly 54,786 turns to go forward fifty years)** Proffesor Trevolry said. Then she and B’loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me. Every1 went in front of it **(So, it’s in front of Ebony and everyone is in front of it? Damn weirdest conga line I’ve ever heard of)**.  
  
“Good luk!1” Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth’s touch sin **(Again, I have no idea what that means)**. Then……….. I jumped sexily **(Ebony, shut up)** in2 da Pensive.  
  
Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz **(To be fair, young Tom Riddle is, to my mind, the most attractive man in Harry Potter)** I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black **(You just said that)**. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin **(He only has a whit of skin? That’s just creepy)**. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. **(Yes, I’m sure that would have approved of 50 years ago)**. It was…………………….Tom Bombodil!1111 **(Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow)**  


Chapter 32.  
  
AN: I sed stup fflaming **(Well, stop stuttering)** I no his nam iznt tom bodil **(You mean we weren’t get to hear a story about Bombadil and Goldberry at Hogwarts? Damn)** dat wuz a mistak **(Then fix it)**!1111 if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111  
  
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“Hi.” I said flirtily. “Im Enoby Way da new student.” **(Did he not notice that she appeared out of thin air?)** I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him.  
   
“Da name’s Tom.” he said. “But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam” **(No it isn’t. Also, aren’t his parents just begging for trouble naming him Tom Satan Riddle?)**  
  
We shok hands. “Well come on we have 2 go upstairs.” Satan said. I followed him. **(Ebony likes to keep things simple, I guess)** “Hey Satan **(That’s the best beginning of a conversation I’ve ever heard!)** ……..do u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?” (sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den **(Neither does Gren Day)** ) I asked.  
  
“Oh my fuking god, how did u know?” Satan gasped. “actually I like gc a lot too.”(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that’s ounded really 80s **(But this is the 40s)** )  
  
“omg me too!” I replied happily.  
  
“guess what they have a concert in hogsment.” satan whispered. **(Does that statement really need a dramatic whisper?)**  
  
“hogsment?” I asked. **(I didn’t; I assumed it was a spelling error)**  
  
“yeah that’s what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000.” **(How does he know? Time travel stories are confusing enough as it is, without this madness!)** he told me all sekrtivly. **(Does he not want people to know he can see the future? I wouldn’t keep it a secret, but hey, different strokes for different folks)** “and theres a really cool shop called Hot-“  
  
‘topic!” I finshed, happy again.  
  
He froned confusedly. “noo its called Hot Ishoo.” He smiled skrtvli again. **(Why?)** “then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic.” **(Again, how does he know? If he can see the future, why doesn’t he know that’s where Tara is from? Why isn’t he suspicious of someone who knows about things before they happen? Does he think that she’s a psychic too? This is too confusing; excuse me while I do a jump to the left and then a step to the right)** he moaned. **(Dude, I hate it when things change too, but that’s a little extreme. Unless the mere mention of the name Hot Topic makes you sexually excited.)**  
  
“ohh.” now everything was making sense for me **(Just as everything stops making sense to me)**. “so is dumblydor your princepill?” I shouted.  
  
“uh-huh.” he looked at his black nails. “im in slitherin’”  
  
“OMfG SHME TOO!” I SHRIEDKED.  
  
“u go to this skull?” **(Seeing as she just introduced herself as the new girl, that’s probably a yes. I guess Ebony isn’t the only one with Dementia)** (geddit cos im goffik **(You are the writer, Tara. Don’t put words in the mouths of the characters just because you would say them)** ) he asked.  
  
“yah that’s why im here im NEW.” **(You don’t have to shout it!)** I SMELLED HAPPili. **(I love the smell of HAPPili in the morning)**  
  
Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck **(That’s almost as good as the mental image of Voldemort on the broomstick)** and started shredding **(On a guitar? Because that alone would make this story worth it)** at us angrily. “NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!” he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle **(Those Americans; always giving pervy looks to people)** outfters. “STUPID GOFFS!” **(He’s just the type I’d hire to be a school principal)**  
  
satan rolled his eyes. “his so mean to us goffs and punks **(This is the ‘40s. Zoot Suiters are as punk as it gets)** just becose we’re in slytherine and we’re not preps.”  
  
I turned around angrily. **(Why are you angry at Tom all of a sudden?)** “actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord **(Spoilers! So, he is the lord of dogs?)**.”  
  
“wtf?” he asked angrily. **(I would be mad too; I’m a cat person myself)**  
  
“oh nuffin.” I said sweetly. **(Smooth, Ebony)**  
  
then suddenlyn………………. the floor opened **(That’s not how it works)**. “OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly.” **(Why is she narrating out loud what is happening as she’s falling?)**  
  
“hey where r u goin?” **(OK, that was a little funny too)** satan asked as I fell.  
  
I got out of the hole n it **(The hole?)** was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry’s classroom. dumblydum **(I hope he has a bother called Dumblybum.)** wuz dere. “dumblydore I think I just met u.” I said.  
  
“oh yeah I rememba that. **(How? If he’s telling the truth, why didn’t he recognize her when she first came to Hogwarts in the present?)** ” dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik. **(How does one say something in a gothic way?)**  
  
sinister came in. “hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?” **(More dementia!)**  
  
:”um.” **(That’s going to be my new response to everything-“What is Mr. Collins’s prime motivation when he proposes to Elizabeth Bennet” “Colon, end quote, um, period, end quote”)** I looked at her.  
  
“oh yeaH I forgot bout that.” **(What? How? You only sent your favorite student-I assume Ebony is her favorite-to face her death by seducing the greatest mass-murderer of your world, and you just forget?)**  
  
“wth how?” **(I never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Ebony)** I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. but shes a goff so its ok.  
  
professor sinster looked sad. “um I was drinking voldemortserum.” **(I prefer Serum 114 myself)** she started to cry black tears of depression. **(That wasn’t overly dramatic at all)** dumblydum didn’t know about them.  
  
“hey r u crying tears of blood?” **(Blood is red. Her tears are black)** he asked curiously, tuching a tear.  
  
“fuck off!” we both said and dumblydum took his hand away.  
  
professor sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid **(I thought you said they were black, now they’re transparent. Great continuity!)** tears. “omfg enoby…I think im addicted to Voldemortserum.” **(Dun, dun, du-wait? What?)**  
  
AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ **(Yes, I had an aunt who was addicted to Voldemortserum)** 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112  


Chapter 33.  
  
AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don’t lik da story den ur a prep so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz **(Earlier she bragged about having gotten 10,000 reviews, but now she admits that less than five were good? That’s at least 9,996 bad reviews. Say what you will, that Tara isn’t a quitter)** nd diz tim I men it **(Yet somehow there’s a chapter 34)**!111111 U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story ( **Save yourself, Raven! Don’t let this girl touch your story)!** lolz1  
  
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“Oh my fuking god!1” I shooted sadly. “Shud we get u 2 St Manga’s, bitch?” **(Ebony, don’t become a grief counselor)**  
  
“Hel no!” she said. “Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson **(Doesn’t Ebony-or Egogy have enough to worry about without having to find a character from _Beavis and Butthead_?)** 4 sum help?”  
  
“Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas. **(When did the quote end? Is Ebony still talking?)**  
  
“Hey Sexxy.” I said.  
  
“How’d it go Enoby?” he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking.  
  
“Fine.” **(That’s it? That’s what you say after a pop quiz, not meeting with the lord of darkness)** I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.  
  
“How far did u go wif Satan?” Drako asked jealously. **(Drako should be jealous; she’s two-timing him with Draco)**  
  
“Not 2 far, lol.” I borked. **(The Bork were always my favorite _Star Trek_ aliens)**  
  
“Will you hav to do it with him?” Draco asked angstily.  
  
“I hop not 2 far **(I don’t see why Ebony’s failings at long jumping are relevant, but that’s good to know)**!111” I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. **(You should feel bad; this is why wizards carry wands, not guns)** I said sorry. We frenched. **(Good to know)**  
  
“What happened 2 Snipe?” I growled **(Better than borking, I guess)**.  
  
“U will see.” Draco giggled mistressly **(It’s the special giggle only courtesans have)**. He opened a door……………Snap nd Lumpkin werz there **(Oh no! Wait, who?)**!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife. **(Even in plain English, that’s just stupid. Poking implies less pain and less forcefulness than stabbing, so you can’t poke someone by stabbing them)**  
  
“NOOOO PLZ!1111” Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood. **(So, we’ve got a werewolf versus a vampire? Oh, god, Tara changed her name and wrote _Twilight_ , didn’t she? It all makes sense!)**I laffed statistically **(Here’s a statistic for you; nine out of ten people have suicidal thoughts after reading this story)**. I tok some photons **(Yay, chemistry time!)** of him and Snap bing torqued. **(Now they’re being twisted? Yikes!)** (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem **(they are still human beings who deserve due process)** and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 **(No, no I haven’t)** lolz). We took sum of Snipe’s blod **(That’s really bizarre, but OK)** den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin **(But is it early Gothic or High Gothic?)**. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot on a blak leather outfit **(Really, more clothes?)** fingie **(You just said it was an outfit; you don’t have to add “finige”)** kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. (if u haven’t herd of it den FUK U **(That includes me, then; oh well, better than reading more of this story)**!111) . I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on ‘desolition liverz’ **(There’s a song about the effects of alcohol on** **internal organs?)** by MCR. Den………………………………………….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez **(You just put your outfit on; please don’t take it off and make us read another description when you get dressed again)**. I tok of his shit **(That’s my new pick-up line; “Hey, big boy, want me to tok of your shit sometime?”)** nd he had a six-pak, lolz **(I laugh when people have six-packs too. They’re unnatural)**. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. He pot his wetness **(What?)** in my u-know-what sexily. **(This must be the low-smut she was talking about)** I gut an orgy. **(So I guess a lot of people magically appeared and they all started having sex. That worked in _Caligula_. It doesn’t work in this story)**  
  
“Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111” I screemed passively **(I guess he’s the dominant one in the relationship)**  as he got an eructation **(He belched?)**.

  
“I luv u TaEbory.” **(Was he about to say “Tara”?)** he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol. **(Did you know that “lol” on its side is a tomato sandwich made by a novice tomato sandwich maker?)**  


Chapter 34.  
  
AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story **(Yes I have, unfortunately)**!11 u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1  
  
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I wook up in da coffin de next day **(That’s something I didn’t think of; did they have sex in her coffin? Is that possible?)**. Draco waz gone. **( Clever boy)** I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end **(I believe that’s called fringe, my lovely)**. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak **(Do you mean ribbon?)** and it came up 2 my knees. There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr  & mr simth **(There’s a slit in a dress that already reaches the knees? Not to sound prudish, but Hot Topic has sure gotten trashier since I was there last week)**. I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton **(Cheese?)** bo-ots **(What? I don’t even…)**. Suddenly…………………. Sorious cocked on da door **(Sorious, whoever you are, there are more important things to do right now than tilt on a door)**. I hopened **(so you opened it while hoping for something? OK)** it.  
  
“Hi Ibony.” **(The E and the I are nowhere near each other on the computer. How did you make that mistake?)** he said. “Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor’s office.”  
  
“Ok.” I said in a deprezzd voice. I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. **(What a fulfilling life you lead, Ebony. Then again, I’m wasting precious time commenting on this thing, so who am I to talk?)** I came anyway **(So I guess she didn’t need to “fuk Draco” after all)**.  
  
“So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?” I asked Sorious flirtily **(Why are you flirting with him? You have Draco!)**.  
  
“I fucking tortured them.” he answered in a statistic **(20-50 people are killed by ants each year)** way. “They r in Abkhazian **(It’s OK, they can visit Georgia all they want. I hear Russia’s lovely, if they’re willing to travel the few extra miles)** now, lol.”  
  
I laughed evilly. **(I face-palmed angrily)**  
  
“Where r Draco and Vampira **(Vampira is in this story? Well, I guess _Plan 9 From Outer Space_ wasn’t the lowest point of her career after all)**?” I muttered.  
  
“Dey are xcused form skool 2day.” Sodomize moaned sexily. “Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas.” **(Yes, because they are so against the mainstream)**  
  
We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it **(“All ripped all over it”? There must hardly be any fabric left)** kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic **(You really have to resort to pictures?)**  
  
( http/ She wuz drinking some Volximortserum. **(Have to fit in our serious issue somehow)**  
  
She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner.  
  
“Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited.” **(Because that’s how that works)** she said sadly. “Good luck. Fangz!” **(Did she just thank herself?)**  
  
And then……….I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around……………I was in da Grate Hall **(That’s where they shred up cheese)** eating Count Chorcula. It was mourning. **(For the English language? That’s who I’m mourning for)** I was sitting next to Satan. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes. He looked just like Charlyn Manson. I noticed……he was drinking a portent **(He was drinking a warning? Fortune-telling tea leaves, perhaps?)**.  
  
“Whose **(Whose what?)** he!11” I asked.  
  
“Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn.” **(No. Just no; you do not call him Slutborn and you do not say that the guy who looks like my dad looks like Marilyn Manson)** Satan said. “He’s da Portents **(But I thought Trewlaney taught the class on divination, and therefore portents)** teacher…………..Ebony?”  
  
“Yah?” I asked.  
  
“Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight **(In 1940? Really?)**? And they r showing The Exercise **(That sounds like an interesting idea for a horror movie; work your way towards perfect thighs…and doom)** at da movies b4 dat.”  
  
“Yah?”  
  
“Well…...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?” **(Gee, I wonder what she’ll say. The suspense is a killer, isn’t it?)**

Chapter 35. gost of u  
  
AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea **(Suzi, what have you done? Any idea other than “stop writing this twaddle” is a bad one)!** 1 u rok! fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun **(Yeah, there are only nine chapters left)** so FUK U!111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me **(How about Shithead? I’ve heard of people actually called that)** koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 fangz.  
  
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I went in2 da Conmen Room **(Say hi to Frank **Abagnale**** **and Soapy Smith for me)** finking of Satan. Suddenly I gasped………………..Draco wuz there!111  
  
I grasped **(What did you grasp, exactly?)**. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner.  
  
“Draco what da fuk r u dong **(and now we’re talking at currency used in Vietnam)**!111111” I gosped. **(I always liked gosped music myself)**  
  
“Huh?” he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn’t Draco. It was Lucan!1 He stil had two arms. **(Wait, why shouldn’t he?)**  
  
“Oh hi Lucian!1” I sed. **(Quick save, Ebony. I’m sure he won’t be at all confused as to how you know his name)** “Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz.” **(Why did she say all that? Does she narrate everything she does?)**  
  
“Yah Satan told me abot you.” Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz **(I lied. My porno will be called _SeXXXy Gottik Guyz_ ) **. They where **(I don’t know, where?)** siting in a corner kutting. **(No comment)** It wuz Serious, Vampire’s dad and………………Snap! All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts. “Lizzen I’m in a goth band wif those guys.” **(This is the 1940s. The most “goffik” band out there was The Andrew Sisters)** he said. “Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up. **(That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Next you’ll try to tell me that Jimi Hendrix opened for The Monkees)**  
  
“ORLY.” **(NO; famous musicians don’t tend to hire illiterate “dunderheads” to open for them)** I ESKED.

  
“Yeah.” he said. “Werecalld XBlakXTearX **(First, how the hell do you pronounce that? Second, if that’s what you were called, what are you called now?)**. I play teh gutter. Spartacus plays da drums” **(Hey, freeing slaves is a tough job; he needs to do something to relax. He’s not that good a player, though; Ringo could crucify him)** he said ponting to him. **(I guess he wasn’t fooled by all those other people yelling “I am Spartacus!”)** “Snap plays the boss. **(He’s an expert in the art of kissing up, I guess)** And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo **(shizzle?)** we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring.”  
  
“Hey bastards.” **(Charming, as always, Ebony)** I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. **(I guess this is some strange practice that I just don’t get. And a damn good thing too)** Suddenly I gasped again. “But don’t u have a lead singer!” I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly.  
  
“We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists.” **(No comment)**  
  
“Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1” I gasped.  
  
“Its okay **(no, it really isn’t okay)** but we need a new led snigger.” **(Every band needs someone to chortle meanly at them; it gives them great motivation)** Samaro said.  
  
“Wel………..I said Im in a bnad myself.”  
  
“Rilly?” asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik **(You’ve been in the room with him the whole time; why didn’t you notice he was “goffik” until now?)**!111

  
“Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?” **(No)**  
  
Yeah said everyone. **(Boo!)** So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) **(Of all the chicken-shit things I’ve ever heard, this by God takes the _cake_ )** Gurn Day.  
  
“I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz.” I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song **(I’m pretty sure Green Day doesn’t want your mangled lyrics; you can have them)** ).. Every1 gasped. **(Of course they did. Is this girl bad at anything? Scratch that, is she not entirely perfect at every single thing she tries?)**  
  
“Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1” begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap **(Crackle and Pop, meanwhile, begged her to get out)**.  
  
“Um…….ok.” I shrugged. **(You ungrateful little wretch)** “Are we gong to play tonight?”  
  
“Yah.” they said.  
  
“Ok.” I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit. **(Of course you do)** I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1 **(No, no, no, no, no, no, no!)** He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans **(What, no eyeliner?)**.  
  
“What da hell r u dong here!11” I asked **(as did I)**.  
  
“I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby.” he said siriusly Den……….he took out a blak tim machine. **(Yeah, he just pulled it out his ass)** I went in2 it and……………………..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111  


Chapter 36.  
  
AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz **(Because everyone knows that fan-fiction is primarily the hobby of septuagenarians)**!111 ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP **(Poor Portersuz, what did she do to deserve this cruel treatment?)**!1 o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111  
  
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I loked around in a depresed way. **(Why? You were brought into the future by one of the most beloved characters in the history of film all because you wanted a dress to wear for your band’s performance at a Marilyn Manson concert)** Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. B’lody Mary, Socrates **(Dust. Wind. Dude)** and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their **(their what? Who are “they”?)** to.  
  
“OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone **(But you couldn't have been could you? No, Aunt Em, this was a real truly live place)**!11111 I kant beleev **(I can beleev you failed English)** Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111”  
  
“Yah I no.” Serious said sadly.  
  
“Oh hey there bitch.” Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom. **(Can’t forget about our serious issue, can we?)**  
  
Hi fuker.” **(No wonder everyone loves you, Ebony)** I said. “Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I’m playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too.” **(I’ll just say that every time I want to splurge on a new outfit, and see how well that goes)**  
  
“Oh my satan!1” (geddit lolz koz shes gofik **(Yes, we get it)** ) gasped B’lody Mary. “Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?” **(Hot Topic doesn’t have this many outfits in its entire inventory)**  
  
“OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11” said Profesor Trevolry **(Teacher of the year, ladies and gentlemen)**.  
  
“I can’t fucking wait 4 dat **(you are one sick puppy)** but we need 2 get sum stuff first **(therapy, for one)**.” said Willow.  
  
“Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also………….sum luv potion 4 Enoby.” **(Oh, but she doesn’t need any; everyone just loves her at first sight, don’t you know?)** Darko said resultantly **(he said it as a result of what?)**.  
  
“Well we have potions klass now.” Willow said so let’s go **(leave me out of this)**.  
  
We went sexily **(good lord, I’d say this was turning into self-parody, but I don’t think Tara’s clever enough for that)** to Potionz class. But Snap wasn’t there. Instead there was…………………………………………Cornelio Fuck **(Who?)**!11111  
  
“Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111” Draco shouted angrily. **(Why? You all seem to hate Dumbledor.)**  
  
“STFU!1” shooted Cornelia Fuck. “He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. **(That’s a good reason to put someone in a high-security prison. Next, they’ll be talking about a State Home for the Ugly)** “Now do ur work!111”  
  
My friendz and I talked arngrily.  
  
“Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1” Vampire asked surprisedly. **(You’ve already discussed this)**  
  
“DATZ IT!11” CORNELIO FUK SHOOTED ARNGRILY. “IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE **(If this person is related to Mrs. Bridge, be sure to tell them that she’s still stuck in her Lincoln)**!111”  
  
He stomped out angrily.  
  
Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer **(in the middle of class? Why did you have it on you in the first place?)**. Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard. **(That must have been a tight fit. Heck, his beard can’t fit in my entire closet!)**  
  
“WTF is he doing?”  I asked **(as did I)**. Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. **(That was a relevant sentence)** Suddenly……………“HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11” he shooted.  
  
I looked around…………….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod **(again, in the middle of class? Does any learning get done at this school)**!11 Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily **(I’ll just picture the gang fight scene in _A Clockwork Orange_ and assume it looked something like that)**.  
  
“God u r such a posr!1” I shooted at Hairgrid. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was………………Amnesia Portion!111 **(Date rape? We’re really going there? I can’t believe this)**

Chapter 37.  
  
AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON **(Well, writing isn’t your vocation. Hopefully you have actually found something you’re good at)** DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK **(Yes, end it now!)** OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story **(she seems so resigned to her fate, poor thing)**!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11  
  
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DARKO’S PONT OF VIEW LOL **(Is she laughing at her own bad writing? Also, why is this from his point of view?)**  
  
Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor. **(I assume there were conveniently placed rings in the classroom floor)**  
  
“Oh mi fucking satan!11” Enoby said. She wuz so hot. **(That’s why it’s from Draco’s POV, so that Tara can praise herself—sorry, I mean Ebony)** “Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster **(because that’s how amnesia works)**!1”  
  
“But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata,” **(What did I tell you? Also, Tara just forgot to call herself Ebony. And she misspelled her own name. Smooth)** said Vampire. “Why would u need it?”  
  
“To make everyfing go faster lol.” said Enoby. **(I’m pretty sure amnesia would slow things down; “What’s your name again? Who are you? Where am I? Who am I?” that doesn’t leave a lot of room to build a romance)**  
  
“But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?” **(What, you don’t want someone else’s “wetness” in her “tool”?)** I asked jelosly.  
  
“OMFG u guyz r so scary **(I’m not sure if “scary” is the word, but I’ll agree with any insult thrown at these goons)**!11” said Britney, a fucking prep. **(Nice to know that Draco’s personality is nothing like Ebony’s; the characterization in this tale is remarkable)**  
  
“Shut the fuk up!1” said Willow. **(Watch out. We’ve got a badass over here)**  
  
“Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry’s room.” **(Who said that? Who the f*ck said that? Who's the slimy little communist sh*t, twinkle-toed c*cksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy f*cking godmother said it. No, seriously, there’s just a random quote floating around and it could have been said by anyone)**  
  
Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater’s room. But Profesor Sinister wasn’t there. Instead Tom Rid was. **(What? How? Did he get a tim machine too? This is such a twi-oh, wait, she means that jerk who works at the clothing store. I forgot about him)**  
  
Oh hi fuckers he said. **(Employee of the month)** Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez.  
  
I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said ‘666’ on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset. **(That sounds a little cold for Scotland-sorry- England)**  
  
“OMG fangz!” I said hugging him in a gothic way **(I’m pretty sure that’s impossible)**. I took da clothes in da bag.  
  
“OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?” **(Use the damn thing yourself)** asked Draco. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall. **(All the walls are black, so that doesn’t really help)**  
  
“Oh my fuking satan!1” I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now. **(They put her in a maximum security prison with murderers because she likes to wear black? Jeez, and I thought it was harsh to put drug users in jail with killers)** Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.  
  
“OMFG!111” I shoted arngrily. “How could they do that!11”  
  
Suddenly Dumblydore came. **(That was way too much information)**  
  
“WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1” he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly’s blak tim machine!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco **(how very helpful of Tara not to tell us that the story was no longer from Draco’s point of view)** and Vampire. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 **(Nice to know that the drama with Sinister was completely pointless)** I looked around. It was……………Profesor Slutborn’s efface **(don’t efface Slughorn! I love that guy!)**! I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. **(The potion has pentagrams in it? That must make it pretty hard to swallow)** It was the shape of a cross **(again, why is she able to spell that all of a sudden?)**. I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz……..Profesor Slutgorn **(You don’t say. It’s not like you were in his office or anything. Oh, wait, yes you jolly well were!)**!11  
  
OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily **(chill out, dude, she probably had a question about the final)** I don’t kno wut da fuk r u DOING **(I don’t know, it’s only his office)** I SHOUTED ANGRILY.  
  
“Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class.” you said finally hoping he couldn’t c da potion in ur pocket. ( **Hey, leave me out of this**.)  
  
“Oh ok u can go now.” said Profesor Slutborn. **(I never knew he was so bi-polar)**  
  
You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. **(I don’t want your clothes, I don’t want to go to a room filled with conmen, and I don’t want to be in this story. I’m only comfortable with sneering at it and being the omnipotent observer of all I see. Who knew this story would end up as a mini therapy session?)** Silas **(I guess Tara didn’t think Virgil did him enough justice in _The Aeneid_ , and wanted to explore the character more with her own interpretation)**, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR. **(Again, this is the forties. Shouldn’t they be brushing up on _In the Mood_?)**  
  
“Oh hi you guys.” I said seductively. “Wheres Satan?”  
  
“Oh he’s cumming.” said Serious. “BTW u can kall me Hades now.” **(And I thought the name changes of _Taming of the Shrew_ got confusing!)** Suddenly Satan came. **(Good to hear)** He was wearing a smexxy **(clothing can’t be a combination of smart and sexy, Tara)** blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie.  
  
“Ok I will see you guyz at da concert.” I said and then I went with Satan. **(Way to ditch your friends, guys! I expected better from Satan)**  


Chapter 38.  
  
AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory **(yes, please)** and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation **(no, thank you)**? oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not **(Why would anyone want to be the type of “gofik” person you present to us?)**!1111111  
  
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Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. **(That way, no one will guess that he’s evil)** On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco’s car. **(That’s just a random coincidence, I’m sure)** I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it. We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan **(You don’t say)** ), kuttting, musik and being goffik. **(You must be soul mates)**  
  
“Oh my satan, Gerard  is so fuking hot **(you mean the person who hasn’t been born yet?)**!11” Volxemort agreed as we smoked sum weed. (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy **(Don’t tell me how to live my life)** )  
  
“Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena.” **(No comment)** I said in a flirty voice. “……….Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?”  
  
“Well………………” he thought. “I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod.” **(But Sinister is a vampire-she already has vampire blood throughout her entire body! Also, she’s in jail, so she’ll be forced to quit cold turkey)**  
  
Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. **(That’s an interesting strategy to draw customers; not having a lit marquee)** Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer **(Stay away from my Lucky Charms, you bastard)** came lol. **(I thought she was talking about _The Exorcist_ , but I guess it was really a different movie all along)** Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we’re sadists.  
  
While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan’s gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar **(that’s just silly)** sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it **(wait, if you didn’t want him to see, why did you do it sexily?)**. I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag. Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere. **(So, it was just a regular night at the Egyptian theater in Hollywood.)**  
  
“OMG!111” Satan said jumping up. **(Please stop, I’m trying to watch the movie)** I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. “Enoby gess what?”  
  
I new that the amnesia had worked. **(How?)**  
  
“Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work.” **(This just reached a new level of stupid)** He said. “2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u.” **(Wait, how does he know what it is? The same way he knows everything else, I guess)**  
  
“Kul.” I raised my eye suggestingly. And den………. he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out. I tok of his shit. **(Don’t make me go through this again)** He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 We frenched.  
  
“Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111” shooted da lady behind us she was a prep. **(No, it’s because she wants to enjoy the movie that she paid good money to see)**  
  
“Fuk u!11” I said. Suddenly…………………. I attaked her suking all her blood **(How? Ebony doesn’t have sharp teeth)**.  
  
“Noooooo!11” she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. **(No, they probably crapped their pants because someone just got killed in the theater)** Satan and I started to walk outside.  
  
“Zomg how did u do that?” **(That’s my question too)** Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice. **(That’s pretty sick, dude)**  
  
“I’m a vampire.” I said as we went into the car.  
  
“Siriusly?” he gasped. **(She just drank someone’s blood. How is that hard to believe?)**  
  
“Yah siriusly.” I said drinking sum beer. Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily.  
  
“Itz too bad we didn’t get 2 c da rest of the movie, don’t u fink?” **(And whose fault is that, I wonder)**  
  
“Yah.” I said as we kised passively **(how thrilling)**. Satan parked in a blak driveway **(aren’t all driveways black at night?)** next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing **(way to show up late at your big gig, guys)** and started to mosh lol **(shouldn’t you be setting up, making sure everyone’s there, etc. Why am I looking for logic in this story?)**.  
  
“Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111” screamed Marlin on da stage. We did the devil fingers **(You mean the “hook ‘em horns” sign?)**. I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay **(He’s the worst murderer in the history of the Wizarding World, you silly girl)**!1 He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way. I almost got an orgaism **(Looking at serial killers shouldn’t turn you on. Then again, “orgaism” may not be a sexual term at all)**!1 Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.  
  
“I wood like to peasant **(Social commentary time!)** ……………..XBlakXTearX **(Ex-black-ex-tear-ex. Yeah, that name will catch on)**!11” he said. I ran onstage. Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. They started 2 play their instilments. I got onstag. **(Pretty unprofessional of them to start playing before the lead singer got onstage)**  
  
“Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111” I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy **(sure it does, Tara. I mean, Ebony)**. Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation **(What’s up with all the belching in this story?)**. “I’M NUT OKAY **(I could have told you that)**!1” I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak.  
  
“OMFG!1” yielded James. “Wut the fuck?”  
  
“Woops im sory!” **(Oscar Wilde could learn a thing or two about dialogue from this story)** said Lucian.  
  
“You fuking ashhole!1” James shouted angrily.  
  
“U guys are such prepz!11” Snap said. “Cum on it wuz a mistake!1”  
  
“Yah itz not his fault!11” said Serious.  
  
“No he ruined the fucking song!1” yelled Samaro **(stop switching names on me!)**.  
  
“U guys stop!11” **(I’m pretty sure you’ll never get another gig in Hogswhatever again, if you keep up this unprofessional behavior)** I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife. **(Yeah, because a wand would be totally useless)**  
  
“OMFG no **(in the time it takes to yell that, he could have been off the stage and halfway to the car)**!11” shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm **(with a knife? That couldn’t have gone well)**.  
  
And den……………………………I jumped secxily in front of da bullet **(a bullet came from the knife? There’s a bayonet in this story?)**!11  
  
“No!111” yielded everyone **(“Yes!” I yielded)** but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak. **(At least it was for a good cause—some kid playing a few wrong notes at a concert. So, the story’s over, right? Wrong! There’s plenty of madness to come, so stay tuned)**  
 **Commentator’s Note: The chapter numbers on this section are a little weird, as Tara’s chapters 39 and 40 appear to be the same. Please let me know if I’m missing a chapter. Just so you know, I am ignoring the trolling episode.**

Chapter 39  
AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while **(thank the lord)** , lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed **(so, you’re thanking two people)** FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111  
  
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I woke up in da Norse’s offace on a special gothik coffin **(that’s a cheerful sight for the patients to see)**. Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. Mr. Noris was cleaning the room **(Mrs. Norris is actually married? A cat is cleaning a room?)**.  
  
“Oh mi satan wut happened!” I screamed **(what do you think happened?)**. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual **(and than what happened?)**.  
  
“Get the fuk out u fucking bastard **(if only the Potters had thought to say that; then they’d still be alive for sure)**!11” I yielded.  
  
“Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11” he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood **(This raises so many questions. First, Voldemort is a vampire now? Second, why is he crying? Third, why doesn’t he recognize Ebony as the girl he loved-I’ll assume he loved her, who doesn’t love the Mary Sue-and ask her why she disappeared after the concert? Fourth, why doesn’t he just kill them all instead of forcing Tara to kill Vampire? Fifth, why isn’t anyone around? It’s not like she’s in a massive hospital; it’s a school nurse’s office)** al selective **(He only allows the biggest, darkest tears to fall. It looks so much better that way)**.  
  
“Volxemort? OMFG what’s wrong **(Yeah, that’s the proper response)**!111” I asked.  
  
Sudenly………. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B’lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem **(why did that need its own sentence?)**. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD.  
  
“OMFG Enoby ur alive!111” Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B’lody Mary.  
  
“What the fuk happened?” **(You went forward in time and are back at Hogwarts in the present, what do you think?)** I asked dem. “Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?” **(If only)** I gosped.  
  
“Enoby u were almost shot!11” said Serious. “But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time.” **(So, she was shot, but not killed. Also, is Tara going to tackle the question of what would happen if you went back in time and shot your own grandfather? Because I’d love to know her opinion on that.)**  
  
“But fangz anyway!1” said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms! **(Someone please tell me why he shouldn’t have two arms)**  
  
“OMG I cant beleve Vampirz’ dad shot u!1” I gasped.  
  
“Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den.” **(Well, that cleared everything up nicely)** said James.  
  
“Yah he wuz a spy.” Serious said sadly. “He wuz really a Death Dealer.” **(Wasn’t _Death Dealer_ the title of a _Twilight Zone_ episode? No? _Alfred Hitchcock Presents_ , maybe? No? Well, it should have been)**  
  
“And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11” said Lucian. “He didn’t even realy no hu GC were until I told him.” Well anyway **(smooth transition, there)** everyone tarted **(that sounds dirty)** 2 give me presents. I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it **(that was clearly the best place for that parenthetical statement)** ) on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz **(No, I think it’s because you’re not letting him play with the wrapping paper. He’ll like you just fine when you toss him a crinkled up wad or two)**.  
  
“Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?” I asked gothikally **(What does that even mean?)**.  
  
“No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax.” **(Talk about a sticky situation)** said Profesor Trevolry. “He duzzn’t know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up **(Vikings always know what to do)**. Cum on!1”  
  
I got up suicidally **(Why? You just survived a near death situation, and you’re about to visit your boyfriend as he watches a porno about waxworks. What is there to be suicidal about?)**. Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun. Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong **(that sounds comfortable. It’s even better when you assume that the nurse issued it to her. Does Hagrid have an identical outfit?)** (if u don’t get da idea massage me **(Mrs. Gilespie you’re trying to seduce me, aren’t you?)** ill tell u **(“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair”-if you don’t get the idea, message me and I’ll tell you.)** ). I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes. I left the hospital’s wings wif B’lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.  
  
“OMFG letz celebrate!11” gasped Willow.  
  
“We can go c Hose of Wax wif Draco!1” giggled Vampire.  
  
“Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666 **(who randomly yells “six, six, six”?)**!11” said Hermoine. We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den………..I gasped……………………………………… Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz **(because that’s the thing to focus on at the moment)**.  
  
“U fucking prep!11” we all yielded angrily.  
  
“Yah u betrayed us!111” shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun **(what kind of school is this?)**.  
  
“No u don’t understand!1” screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake’s **(that’s not how that works. Also, this is a really awkward time to accidentally say “snake”)**.  
  
“No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111” said Willow trying 2 attak him **(because I too would automatically assume that Snape, who tried to rape Draco earlier, is entirely blameless, the sex is consensual, and that Draco came onto him)** (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out **(lunch break!)**.  
  
“Enoby no!11111” screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it **(how? Neither steaks nor stakes have sharp sides)** suddenly everyfing went blak again.  


Chapter 41.  
  
AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF **(Hoorah! More German lessons!)**!!!!! I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is **(I don’t; nor do I wish to)** ur proly al prepz and pozers!!!!!!!!11111 neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. im surry 4 nut updating g **(I’m sure your g doesn’t mind)** 4 a while but ive been rilly bizzy. im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out **(oh, but that way they might steal your brilliant ideas and put them in the film at the last minute)**. Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks. OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!!!111 I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way lol he hsud play drako **(but if you think Draco looks hot, why would you want someone to replace him?)**. if u flame ill slit muh risztz!!!!!!!!11 raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland **(Hopefully she’ll prevent the downfall of England by popping into the Tower of London)**.  
  
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When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XBlakXTearX!!!!!11 I looked arund **(you just said that)** confusedly. It wuz da Norse’s office but it looked difrent!! On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon **(because I’d want to see his face if I was sick or hurt and needed calming down)**!!!1111 (just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band 2 ok **(no, I won’t)** koz he is more old den panic?! at da dizcko or mcr) der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander **(Not the Beatles!)** with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves **(no, no, no!)**. On it said ‘1980.’ **(Because when I think of eighties music, I think of the Beatles)**  
  
“OMFG!!! Im back in Tim again **(stop sodomizing Tim!)**!!!!111” I screamed loudly. Suddenly Satan **(is standing beside you)** (dis is actually voldimort **(you don’t say!)** 4 photo refrenss **(what?)**!). Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz **(so, he has two pairs of pants, jeans and fishnets? Why? Also, Q: why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? A: In case they get a hole in one)**. He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!!!!11  
  
“OMFG Enoby r u ok.” He asked gothikally.  
  
“Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation **(because the “for” in “information” was really too hard to type out)**.” I snapped sexily. “OMG am I dedd **(are you deaf?)**???” koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame’s gun. I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap **(I’d be worried about Ebony’s sanity if she forgot either of those things)**!!!!111  
  
I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing **(Life lesson; if you slit your wrists, nothing bad will happen to you, you’ll just go back in time. Also, Ebony isn’t the immortal in this story is she? That brings up an important question, who is whose immortal?)**. I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine **(yes, and I could fly if I had pixie dust; the problem is finding those things, Ebony my love. Also, don’t you have some seducing to do?)**.  
  
“No ur not dead.” Satan reassured suicidally **(yeah, I’m upset about it too)** as he smokd a cigarette sexily and smoke came all over his face **(smoke, you filthy thing)**. “Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet **(nor can she die from a stake, apparently; how does that work?)**. Cum **(smoke already did)** on now lets go c how Hairy’s dad is doing **(why would Ebony want to see him again?)**.”  
  
I noo dat da real reason I didn’t die from da ballet **(was that you don’t get bored to death easily? That you’re not highly allergic to the black swan’s feathers? That a curtain didn’t fall on your head?)** was koz I was from da future. “WTF!!!! James almust shot Luciious **(finally, some sense)**!!!” I said indigoally. I knew that James had really ben possezzed **(no, it was Snap who was possessed. By himself)** , but I didn’t want him2 know I knew.  
  
“Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress **(headaches are an excuse for everything in this story, aren’t they. I must try that some time. “How do you plead?” “Not guilty, your honor. I had a headache at the time”)**.” Satan reasoned evilly.  
  
“I guess that’s ok.” I said because James hadn’t really shot Lucian. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1 **(that never fails to confuse me)**. I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy **(how do you know he’s bi? Geez, Ebony, stop stereotyping people))**!!!!!11 He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants **(so, he looks just like every other man in this story)**. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don’t 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn **(“one” has three letters. You got two of them wrong, and put the right one in the wrong place. That has to be a record)** in dat video. “Hey.” He sed all qwietly and goffically **(he is a man of few words, I suppose)**.  
  
“Who da fuck is that?” **(What a nice way to greet an attractive stranger.)** I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him **(You’ve been at the school for two days and haven’t taken any classes! Why should you know him? Also, he’s from a different time and you have a mission to accomplish. Keep it in your pants, young lady!)**.  
  
“Dis is…Hedwig **(what?)**!!!!!!!!!11” Sed Volximort. “He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm.  
  
“Hey Hedwig.” I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b **(sure you weren’t)**.  
  
“Lol hi Enoby.” He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature **(or because he’s an intelligent boy who wants to get away from an obviously insane girl)**. He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth **(how can you tell? He’s humming quietly as he runs away from you)** ( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!!)  
  
“Bye.” I sed all sexily.  
  
“Dat was Hedwig **(no, no, it jolly well wasn’t)**. He used 2 b my boifreind **(That’s a really horrible mental image. I just pray she doesn’t try to write about Dobby next)** but we broke up.” Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails.  
  
“OMFG I can get u bak 2gether **(Ebony, stick to your plan!)**!” I said fingering something I didn’t know wuz in my pocket- a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif **(Hello, deus ex machina!)** (duz ne1 elze no about dem??? dey kik azz!!!! **(I guess we now have product placement to add to this story’s faults)** ).  
  
“Ok u can 4get about ur class for now **(why not? Everyone else has)** , Hedwig **(how did you catch up to him?)**. Im going 2 show u something grate!!!!1” I led them to da Great Hall. “Cum on u guys.”  
  
Lucian, James, Serious and Snake were all in da Grate Hall. Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him **(well, yeah)**.  
  
“Go fuk urself you fukking douche!” he shouted at him. “Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now **(wait, why are Draco and Vampire characters again? They aren’t even fetuses yet!)**!!1”  
  
“Yah go fuck urself Samaro!” Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying **(so, he didn’t mean “go f*** yourself” literally? Well, that’s shocking)** koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian.  
  
“B quiet u guys.” I said sexily. Mi plan waz working oot great **(oh, really?)**. Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him! **(You know, I’m almost proud of Tara for letting someone other than Ebony be the one to reform Voldemort. That was very big of her)** Now Vampire’s dad wood never die and **(and what? Don’t leave me hanging!)** “OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out. **(That is a sentence I hope never to read again)** ” I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod **(why?)**.  
  
“Kool.” said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily **(in the Great Hall? Really?)**. Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. I noo Snape was bi.  
  
“Oh my fukking god!!!! Voldimort! Voldimort!” **(I know this sex scene is bad because my only thought is, _But he’s not called Voldemort yet; he’s still Tom/Satan_ )** screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort’s **(good lord, that’s the greatest thing I’ve ever heard)**.  
  
But suddenly everything stopped **(damn, I wanted more glock action!)** as da door opend and in kame………………Dumblydore and Mr. Norris **(mustn’t corrupt the cat, you know)**!!!!111111111111  


Chapter 42. da blak parade  
  
AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!!!1111. I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy **(no, that’s stupid)**!!!!!1111 nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!111 omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it **(yes, but it would also be entirely out of character)**?? If dey don’t den JKR is hamophobic!!!!!111111 fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa **(if you want facts from a figure in Ancient mythology, why didn’t you ask Athena for help?)** u rok!!!111  
  
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I sat depressedly in Dumbledork’s office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly **(I must work on learning how to sit cruelly. Then, I can graduate to eating confusedly)**. He looked more young den he did in da future **(Really? That’s so weird)**. He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song **(which Ebony had on her iPod. Interesting…)**.  
  
“What da hell is this anyway **(the song or the device? Because you seem to have the iPod surprisingly well figured out)**??” he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn’t find out dat I was frum another time.  
  
“Whatever u do don’t blame Ibony, u jerk.” Satan said.  
  
“Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together.” **(Well, that just makes everything okay)** Serious said deviantly **(why? He’s telling the truth)**.  
  
“Be quiet you Satanists.” Dumbledore cockled **(and muss-no, already made that joke. Damn)**. “If ur lucky I’ll probably send u all to Akazaban!!! That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall.” **(Whatever happened to good old fashioned detention? Or how about just sending them to a regular jail for indecent exposure?)** He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n’Sync song **(Ebony listens to them too? Oh dear)**. Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. **(It could lift things over twice its weight?)** It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn’t notece.  
  
“You fucking poser.” I muttoned **(between mutton and steak, I’m getting very hungry)**.  
  
“I bet you’ve never herd of GC **(neither has anyone yet)**.” James said **(can he time travel too?)**. Know I knew **(Okay, if it’s really so important for me to know what you knew)** waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly’s tim machine **(Excuse me while I beat my head against my keyboard. Y76yhgjgrrfttgyh)**!!!!!11  
  
“Shut up Jomes!!!” Drako’s dad shouted.  
  
“Yeah shut up!!!!” Snake said preppily.  
  
“No u shut up Dumblydore!!!!!!!!1111” said Tom **(why? He hasn’t said anything in a while)**.  
  
“I’ve had enough of u Satanists in my school **(hear, hear)**!!!!” shouted Dumbledore spuriously **(why? He’s telling the truth about not wanting you freaks at his school)**.  
  
Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. “Evry1! Jump in **(how did Dumbledore not notice that the item he was holding had become big enough to get inside?)** b4 itz 2 l8!!! I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person **(There’s no one odder than Ebony)** jumpd in **(why?)**. It was……..Satan.  
  
“You dunderheads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111” screamed Dumbledore wisely **(“Ha, jolly ha to you”, I replied with quiet dignity)** as we went.  
  
I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. **(So, you really haven’t changed locations at all. You literally just moved a few rooms in the same castle)** I was wearing a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins **(why and how did her clothes change? They didn’t earlier)** and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black **(the one time Tara spells black correctly is when she’s trying to say back. Well done)**

  
“Hey kool where iz dis?” **(The common room probably hasn’t changed in hundreds of years, so why does he need to ask?)** he asked in an emo voice.  
  
“Dis is da future. Dumbeldore’s iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine **(well, when you put it like that…it just sounds stupider)**.” I told him.  
  
“Kool what’s an ipatch?” he whimpered **(whimpering; the most manly, gothic thing a person can do)**.  
  
“It’s somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music.” I yakked **(at least she’s honest)**.  
  
“OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?” **(Soil)** he esked in his sexah voice.  
  
“Um I guezz sand????” I laid confusedly **(Ebony, we don’t need to hear about your mindset while you perform sexual acts at the moment)**.  
  
“Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon.” **(Yes, she’s as stupid as ever)** He triumphently giggled **(giggling is second only to whimpering on the manly scale)**.  
  
Suddenly some of my friends walked in.  
  
“OMG you’re fucking alive **(yeah, I’m upset about it too)**!” said Ginny wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt **(how can these people be told apart from each other)**. I explained 2 her why I was alive **(because of the grace of Tara, the creator)**.  
  
“Konichiwa, bitch **(charming young lady)**.” said Willow. She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick.  
  
“Hey, motherfucker **(charming boy)**.” Said Diabolo with his red hair. He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit and blak baggy pants.  
  
“Hey whose that, Ibony **(slavery is over)**?” B’loody Mary **(I just realized that her initials are B.M. tee-hee)** questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes.  
  
“Oh its Satan **(that’s a hell of an introduction)**.” I told her and she nodded knowing da truth. **(The truth that Ebony is completely mad, I hope)**

  
Suddenly Satan started to cry **(he whimpers, he giggles, he cries. Truly he is a man amongst boys)**.  
  
“Are you okay Satan?” we asked concernedly.  
  
“OMFG ur from da future!!1! What if u don’t like m anymore koz were from difrent times **(the two of you were always from different times. Also, don’t you have other things to worry about, like getting back to your own time, the friends you left, or how/if you’ll be able to fit in to the future?)**?????” he asked.  
  
“No I still like you.” I said sexily to him.  
  
“Ok.” He said ressuredly **(why is he reassuring her? He’s a very confused young man)**. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR **(remind me to stop liking that song)** on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz **(I love how every inch of an outfit gets five sentences of description, yet important items just get deemed “things”)**. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep **(how do you know? Unless he fell asleep that second, you were probably out the door by that time)**. I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!!!!!!!1111 She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes **(you know you’re in trouble when even your patterns are sad)** , white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner.  
  
“Oh my fucking god, where’s Draco **(you only think to ask about him now? You selfish cow)**!!!!111 How did Snap get back here!!! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan **(yeah, he just took a little jaunt to the other side of the world. Should be back before tea, though)**.” I asked sadly.  
  
“Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can’t fucking die because you’re a vrompire. Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. **(So, she did have a use in the plot after all. I didn’t give Tara enough credit to do something like that.)** I never liked her she was a bad student **(if she was smart enough to break into a maximum security prison, she must have had something going for her)**.” Trevolry said reassuredly **(no doubt Ebony was worried that someone else would get some attention)**.  
  
“That bitch!!!!!!!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?” I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep **(the fact that she freed Ebony’s personal enemies is apparently less of a factor)**.  
  
“Yes they are on the loose at this school. Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. **(I thought Cornelia was hated by Ebony and her creepy little friends too)** Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room **(it’s not like they could overpower three men who are weak and exhausted from time spent in prison, or anything)**!!!!!!” Trevolry said worriedly.  
  
“OK. But where’s Dracko???? How cum he was doing it with Snap **(Nice to know that Ebony has her priorities all straightened out)**?????”  
  
“I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide **(good lord, _Harold and Maude_ had less suicide than this story)** after he saw u almost kill urself.” she said.  
  
“OMG dat’s terrible!!!!!!!!” I gasped. Satan was still asleep **(he must be a pretty deep sleeper, if he can withstand all that shouting)** , so he couldn’t tell what was going on. Then I said “Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay **(I’d make a Yoda reference, but I have no idea what she was trying to say)**!!!!!!!!!” wiv dat I ran out.  
  
“Good luck Tara **(does this imply that Ebony is supposed to be Tara’s idealized version of herself? I’m shocked!)**!!!!!!!11” everyone cried.  
  
I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me sacredly **(remind me to use that word more often. But only when I’m trying to impress people, of course)**. There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer **(Tara is a master of description. It’s like I’m in the scene)**. On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a **(stop stuttering)** slutty **(because Ebony never dresses provocatively)** pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink **(Abercromie is my new favorite color)** stiletoos. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan.  
  
“You fucking bitch!!!!!111” I shouted angrily.  
  
“No, your **(her what?)** totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!” she laughed.  
  
“Crucious!!!!!!!!!1” I shouted selectively pontificating **(so, preaching only about what she deems wise. Okay)** my blak **(don’t you mean “back”?)** wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured **(really? Who would have guessed?)** and I laughed sodistically **(tee-hee, “sod”)**.  
  
“No!!!!!!1 Help me!!!!!!1 Please!!!!!!!!1” Britney screamed terrifiedly.  
  
I put up my middle finger at her **(what a rebel)**. In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me **(because that wouldn’t have been confiscated or anything)**. I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it **(telepathically, I’m assuming, since there was no mention of Ebony’s actually taking it from her)**. Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. “OMG Vampira!!!!111” I yielded.  
  
We hugged each udder happily **(I know nothing about milking cows, so hugging the udders might be totally normal)**. He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow. His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes **(how original of him. Clearly all these young people have their own identities and are not constrained by peer pressure)**. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river **(no, I have a story to comment on!)** it rox!!!1)“I wus so worried you died!” moaned Vampire.  
  
“I know but Im a vampire lol **(oh no, she _is_ the immortal, isn’t she?)**. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway **(you know you’ve arrived when you can say “anyway” during a personal story about time travel)** I bought Voldimort **(for how much?)** from when he was yung with me.”  
  
“Where’s Draco?” I asked spuriously **(I _knew_ she didn’t really care for him)**.  
  
“Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you **(being a rape victim now equals betrayal. Well done, Vampire)**?” Vampir snarkled **(does anyone else suddenly feel like reading _The Jabberwocky_? Because I’m pretty sure that if we can’t find a Snarkle there, we won’t find one anywhere) ** with anger in his sexy voice.  
  
“I NO BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM.” I SED SMARTY **(for the sake of my sanity, I’ll assume that by “smartly”, she meant “briskly” and not “intelligently”. Because that would be too much)**.  
  
“I’ll do it den.” Harry said angstily **(don’t be worried about your friend, or anything. Just be full of angst about…damned if I know what these young people are actually upset about)**.  
  
“OK.” I argreed **(of course you agree; it was your plan in the first place!)**. Suddenly……….all da lights in da room went out. And den…….da Dork Mark appeared **(it summons all the students to join Dungeons and Dragons)**.  
  
“Oh my fucking satan **(I’ll assume you mean the devil, and not the ‘80s kid you just met)**!!!!!” Harry shouted.  
  
“I fink Voldimort has arrivd **(really? It’s not as though you brought him to Hogwarts or anything)**.” I sed anxiously **(and sexily too, I assume)**. “Fuck, I have to find Draco **(stop talking about finding him and go look, you nauseating adolescents)**!!1 I guess we shood separate.”  
  
“Ok.” Vampire sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall **(but you’re already in the Great Hall!)**.  


Chapter 43.  
  
AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz **(can I get a hallelujah?)**. Fangz 2 all muh revyooers not das flamers **(good grief, more German lessons?)** if u flamed sis story den u suk!!!!!!!!!111111 if u flam den fukk u **(we’ll stop flaming when you stop writing)**!!!111  
  
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I walked sexily **(of course you did)** into the Great Hall **(where you already were)**. It was empty except for one person. Draco was there!! He sat der in deddly bloom **(Draco’s apparently turned into a poisonous plant now. Thanks for filling us in)** in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants. He had slit his wrists!!!!!111 I felt mad at him for having sexwith Snape but I felt sorry for him **(how very big of you)**. He looked just like Gerard Way **(I think we get it by this point)** with his red eyes and his pale white face.  
  
“Draco are you okay **(he slit his wrists; what do you think? Then again, you lot apparently slit your wrists like most people eat pistachios)**????” I asked.  
  
“I’m not okay.” he screamed depressedly **(Draco’s a bit of a Drama Queen)**. I thought of the MCR song nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry **(I feel so enriched after that detail. To think that I could have lived my life without knowing that)**. I gave him a pot cigarette **(really? Cigarette? You don’t even quite know what pot is, do you)** and he started to smoke it.  
  
“Oh Draco why did you do it with that fucking bastard Snape?” I asked teardully **(that’s what it’s called when boring people cry)**.  
  
“I-” Draco began to say but suddenly Lupin and Mr. Norris appearated in2 da room!! They didn’t see us **(that’s strange, seeing as you’re the only two people there and one of you is holding a lit cigarette. Do they not even smell the pot?)**.  
  
“Im so glad we me and Snape were freed **(I’m especially glad about We. I was worried about his being locked up and all alone)**.” said Loopin.  
  
“Dam, this job would be great if it wasn’t 4 da fukking students **(that was kind of funny. I suspect it was not Tara’s original thought, however)**!” Mr. Norris argreed **(but that’s not what “Loopin” said in the first place)**.  
  
“Pop addelum **(that sounds like a prescription pill)**!!!!!111” I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them.  
  
“Noooooooo!!!!1” Lupin shouted as chains came on him **(who knew that chains had premature ejaculation problems)**. Mr. Norris ran away **(bravely, bold Sir Norris…)**.  
  
“You fukking perv.” I said laughing wiv depths of evil and depressedness in my voice **(this story in a nutshell, folks)**. “Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is **(he’s probably napping right where you left him)** or I’m gong 2 torture u!!!!”  
  
“I don’t now where he is!!!!1111” said Loopin. Suddenly Satan **(found him!)** and Vampire ran in2 da room. Vampir didn’t know who Satan was really **(it’s okay, it seems as though Ebony’s forgotten at this point)**.  
  
“Oh my satan **(having a character called Satan in this story makes that expression confusing. Is he saying “Oh my Satan” or “Oh my, Satan”? Because those are totally different things)** , we were so worried about u guys!!1” Vampire said. I looked sexily at Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like Gerord Way **(mention that Gerard kid one more time, and I swear to Satan…)** , Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then. **(“Then” what?)**  
  
I selectively took the caramel from my pocket **(It’s probably all melted by this time)**. And then….. I began frenching Draco sexily **(that was clearly the only appropriate thing to do)**. Loopin gasped **(yeah, way to give the pervert a free show)**. Draco began to take all of his cloves off and I could see his white sex-pack **(Tara must think better of us than she did before; she didn’t explain the joke)**. Then Vampire took his own clotes **(you spelled “clothes” two different ways in two different sentences. Bravo)** off too. We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes **(not in that order, I assume)**. Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol **(I am speechless)**. “Oh mi satan **(see what I mean? Now Draco’s going to think that you’re calling out another guy’s name while getting it on with him)**!! Draco!!!!” I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy **(good lord, _Siskel and Ebert_ is a bigger turn-on than this)** Den he did da same fing to Harry **(Harry has a female “thingy”, apparently. Who knew?)**. I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in **(it was only a matter of time…)**. “OMS **(you’re just using initials now? What is wrong with you people?)**!!!111” cried Vampire. “Oh Vampire! Vampire!!!” I screamed screamed **(I groaned groaned)**. “Oh Satan!!!!!” yelled Harry in pleasore **(I don’t know where that is, but I have the feeling I’d rather be there than commenting on this drivel)**. Loopin watched in shock. Wee **(tee-hee)** took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists **(I never would have guessed)**. Suddenly……………………………..  
  
………….a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate **(is it the same car every time? Because I’m pretty sure the point of license plates is that they’re all different)** flew strait through da windows **(just when this couldn’t get any stupider, now we’re getting into _Jackass_ territory)**. And Snap wuz in it!!!!!!!11  


Chapter 44.  
  
AN: well I hav noffing 2 say **(that was obvious from the start)** but evrt1 stup glamming ok **(Sorry, but I am naturally inclined to be glamorous)**!!111 if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok **(thanks, but your story still sucks)**!!!11 omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!!!1 tom fleton is so hot lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book **(because reacting normally to a high level of stress in the book clearly means that he will start wearing black clothes and eye shadow in the film)**!!!!1111 omfg im leeving dubya **(I doubt dubya will miss you)** pretty soon kant wait!!! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak **(and apparently, she never did come back)**.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
“Dat’s mi car!!!!” shooted Draco angrily **(OK, I’m glad that was cleared up)**. But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz………….Snape **(I’d be a lot more shocked it you hadn’t told us that already)**!!!!!  
  
“I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads **(it’s about time people realized that they should just kill these goons themselves. Delegating can only get you so far)**.” he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing above us **(someone’s being circumcised by a car as they float above the ground? The lengths people go for religion)**. “Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed **(then kill her yourself)**. Den the Dork Lord shall never die **( _Star Trek_ re-runs shall remain the supreme commander of people’s time)**!!!!”  
  
“You fucking prep!!!” yelled Draco **(yeah, that’ll show him!)**. Then he loked at me sadly. “I forgot to tell u **(because this is something that would really slip someone’s mind)** , Ebony. Snape made me do it with him. I didn’t really have sexx him but he’s a ropiest **(which Ebony knew already! Arg!)**!!!!”  
  
We all put our clothes on quickly **(wait, they were naked this whole time?)** except Satan **(show-off)**. We were so scarred!!!!1 But Satan didn’t change **(you just said that)**. Instead he changed **(Oh I see, he didn’t change, he changed)** into a man with gren eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin **(who could it be?)**. He had changed into………… Voldemont **(well, color me surprised)**!!!!!!!111  
  
“I knew who thou were all along.” **(That raises too many questions. Can he tell the future? Why didn’t he kill her on sight when he first met her, either in the past or the present? How did he know what she wanted from him, since he hasn’t been privy to her seduction plans? Why did he befriend her in the past? How did he transform so quickly? What happened to the Voldemort in the present? Did Satan and Voldemort merge or are there two noseless baldies running around?)** he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. “Now I shall kill thee all **(finally!)**!!!!!!” Thunder came in da room.  
  
“No plz don’t kill us!” **(That always works)** pleaded Vampire. Suddenly Willow, B’loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in **(how did they all fit through the door?)**.  
  
“What is da meaning of dis?” **(I wish I knew)** Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of **(I’m surprised it’s not Mary-Sue)**.) He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily **(really? You really just called the man who is trying to kill you “sexy”?)**. Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik.  
  
“Oh my goth!” Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik **(no, I didn’t get it. Your humor is far too subtle)** )  
  
“The Dark Lord shall kill all of you **(whereas the Dork Lord is content to play video games all day)**. Then you must submit to him **(so, they’ll be zombies?)**!!!!” Snape ejaculated **(tee-hee)** menacingly.  
  
“You fucking preppy fags **(ironic, considering that “preps” are usually more conservative and against alternate lifestyles. Oh, Tara, do you even know what you’re saying half the time?)**!” Serious shouted angrily.  
  
“I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!!!” **(Lord, is this going to turn into an Arnold Schwarzenegger** **film?)** screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco’s car. It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it **(why would you want to lose your decently higher ground and what could serve as a something of a shield?)** and picked up the cideo camera.  
  
“Oh my fucking god!!!1” I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, the video of me dong it wif Drako and the video of Satan doing it with Hedwig **(I guess even she is ashamed that she wrote a sex scene between Voldemort and an owl. Also, did Ebony not delete the videos of herself? Why am I not surprised?)**  
  
“If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull **(how exactly do you plan on arranging that? I’m pretty sure that dissemination of pornography to minors is illegal, especially if said pornography features minors)**. Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton **(I hope that’s meant to be funny)**.” He laughed meanly.  
  
“No!” I scremed. “FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin **(which he can’t just delete because…)**!!!!11”  
  
“Whats she talking abott??????” Lupin slurped as he sat in chains. **(I forgot he’s been chained up this whole time. Wouldn’t it make sense for Snape just to bewitch the chains away so Lupin can fight too?)**  
  
“I saw 2 she’s gunna show evry1 da picter!!!111” Harry shouted angrily.  
  
“Shut up!!!111’” Lumpkin roared.  
  
“Foolish ignoramuses!!!!!!” yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. “Thou shall all dye soon.” **(Dude, what’s taking you so long? I almost forgot you were even here. And that pretty sad, since you’re the villain)**  
  
“Think again you fucking muggle poser!!!!!1” Harry yelled and then he and Diablo and Navel both took out blak guns **(where do these guns come from? Why are they allowed at school?)**! But Voldimort took out his own one.  
  
“U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!!!!!!!111” **(Mexican stand-off, Latin stand-of; tomato, tomato)** I shouted despariedrly.  


“Acco Nevel’s wand!!!11” cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil’s wind **(tee-hee)** was in his hands. **(Why haven’t Harry, “Diablo”, and “Navel” shot him already?)** “Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die **(sure, she will)**!!!!!!!!11111”  
  
He maid lighting come all over da place **(and people make fun of Bond villains for not killing James right away)**.  
  
“Save us Ebony!” Dumbledark cried **(but she’s not a Mary-Sue or anything like that)**.  
  
I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco **(she’s such a complex character)** but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent **(pretty pathetic when there’s something even more ineffective than inflicting harm upon yourself, watching movies, and getting it on with a Norman Bates wannabe)**.  
  
“ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!!!!!!!11111” I shooted.

**And with that, our tale ends. Did Tara simply run out of ideas or of steam? Did the flamers finally get to her? Or did she simply feel that this was the only natural conclusion her story could reach? We may never know. Allow me to present you with a few words to mark this story’s, and this commentary’s, untimely end.**

**The time you won your town the race**

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---|---  
  
**We chaired you through the market-place;**

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**Man and boy stood cheering by,**

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**And home we brought you shoulder-high.**

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**To-day, the road all runners come,**  
  
**Shoulder-high we bring you home,**

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**And set you at your threshold down,**

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**Townsman of a stiller town.**

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**Smart lad, to slip betimes away**

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**From fields where glory does not stay,**  
  
**And early though the laurel grows**

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**It withers quicker than the rose.**

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**Eyes the shady night has shut**

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**Cannot see the record cut,**

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**And silence sounds no worse than cheers**  
  
**After earth has stopped the ears:**

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**Now you will not swell the rout**

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**Of lads that wore their honours out,**

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**Runners whom renown outran**

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**And the name died before the man.**  
  
**So set, before its echoes fade,**

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**The fleet foot on the sill of shade,**

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**And hold to the low lintel up**

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**The still-defended challenge-cup.**

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**And round that early-laurelled head**  
  
**Will flock to gaze the strengthless dead,**

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**And find unwithered on its curls**

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**The garland briefer than a girl's.**  
  
**Housman, A.E. “To an Athlete Dying Young”.**

 

  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


 

  


  
  


 


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